Suicide

Hi everyone, Effie here with more Real Effing Life. Am I the only one that hears words totally incorrectly in songs? Lately I’ve been in the mood to listen to stuff my parents listened to when I was little and today Van Halen’s Panama came on. It wasn’t until today though with all the technology we have that I found out it actually was Panama and not Animal when the word Panama came up on the screen in the car. I must say it was a bit disappointing. I think I liked it better when I thought they were yelling ANIMAL! Anyway, down to the Real Effing stuff.

So today on my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store. While there I called Max to see if he wanted anything. He didn’t answer. I called again. No answer. Now, my expectation is if you can’t answer right away you call right back. I say this for several reasons. One, that’s why I pay for him to have a phone, so we can communicate. If not I worry. Two, because I know he has his phone. It’s practically glued to his hand at all times. Now I know what some of you might be thinking “gee, overreact much?” but no I’m not. There’s reasons I worry like this and today is a prime example. So ok, Max didn’t answer. I called Jack to have him check on Max. Max was nowhere to be found. He never said he was leaving the house which is odd for him. Max doesn’t have a great relationship with his dad but he’ll still at least let him know he’s leaving. A few minutes later my phone rings with a number I don’t recognize. I didn’t answer because I never answer unknown numbers. Ninety-nine percent of the time it’s telemarketers. Immediately the same number called back and again I didn’t answer. I’m generally not one to check voice mail either but since they called twice something told me I should. So I’m standing in the middle of the grocery store listening to an unknown voice from Lifeline, The National Suicide Prevention Hotline tell me they received a call from my son Max. I immediately call them back. Now, due to the fact that he’s a minor, apparently they were required to ask for a name and number of a “trusted” adult to report this to which is why they called. Due to HIPPA laws however, they are not permitted to disclose the call details except to say he’s safe at this time. I get off the phone and start to call Max when he calls me. As soon as he speaks I can tell somethings wrong. Max doesn’t cry. EVER. If you ask my mother that’s my fault as well, but that’s a story for another day. Anyway, have you ever been in a situation that’s so surreal that you are hearing what’s being said but you’re not really hearing it and it’s like your brain just isn’t processing it fast enough? Well, that was me. He was crying so much it was hard to understand. I heard words I was able to put together but I didn’t understand why he was saying these things. Like, Why is the world like this? Why do people break your heart? Why doesn’t anybody love me? Now, I know this isn’t about me but WHAT THE EFF?? I love my kids more than anything! I would without hesitation give up my life for Max so for me to hear the the last part was horrible. Anyway, Max asks when I’m going to be home (I immediately left the store so I’m literally pulling into the driveway) he says he’s not going to kill himself and asks if we can just sit down and watch a movie. Uh YES! So we sit on the couch and watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire with Max holding my hand. I try to pause it at one point to talk but was immediately shut down. Max never likes to talk to me. He says he doesn’t trust me. He says I overreact. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t trust me. I’m his mother for effs sake. As for the overreacting, what Max calls overreacting I call being a realist. Max already sees a psychiatrist for ADD and depression. He HATES taking meds and doesn’t think you should have to take meds to be Happy so that’s an issue which leaves us here. Now what? What do you do when you feel like your child is drowning and you’re losing them?

Until next time, XOXO Effie